Deeper Understanding

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters

“Nodame-chan, don’t you want to play the piano anymore?” Nodame’s grandma sat down beside her, looking at her troubled face tenderly.

Nodame had once again returned to her hometown, to her family. She had once again fled the reality. This time, she was determined to stay away from the horrible music that once had been everything to her. She does not want to be hurt again. Not anymore.

Nodame just stared at her piano in front of her. She does not know how to answer her grandma. Tears began to drop from her starry eyes. Grandma use her wrinkled fingers to wipe the tears away. “If it is really so hard, don’t push yourself anymore. I want to see my little Nodame-chan to be cheerful again.”

Grandma sat beside Nodame, patting her head which she hides in her hands, sobbing softly. Neither said anything.

Without them realizing, a pair of eyes was staring at the doorway at them. A pair of sad eyes. Slowly, he retreated and left the house. No one except both of them was in the house, which explained why he could hide himself and watch everything quietly. Part of him wished that he had not seen them. He did not realize that Nodame had been under so much stress. He always thought that she was lazy and avoided lessons to have fun. Little does he understand that that was not the truth. He had always taken her cheerfulness for granted. Not knowing the miserable her underneath her happy expression.

Walking silently along the beach, Chiaki’s mind kept replaying what he saw moments ago.

************

Nodame stomps into her room, frowning deeply. Hands clenched tightly while she kicked away the many stuff she had on the floor. Throwing herself on her bed, she stared at the ceiling. Her luggage left unattended at the doorway.  

Grandma followed her from behind, worried of the sudden return of her granddaughter. “What happened Nodame-chan? Why did you suddenly came back? I thought you were at Paris?”

Nodame sits up and look at Grandma. “I’m not returning to Paris. I’m not going to play the piano anymore.” She hugged her grandma tightly, tears brimming at her eyes.

Grandma stroked her head softly, letting Nodame to sob out all her troubles. She knew Nodame was very upset. Nodame just sat there and cried until she’s tired. She then sits right up again and repeat to her grandma, “I’m not learning music anymore.”

Grandma just looks at her and nods once. “Do you want to share with me what’s upsetting you?”

“It’s just not for me. I never wanted to become a professional piano performer. I had always wanted to play the piano for fun. It had always been my ambition to become a kindergarten teacher where I can play with the children and play simple music for them, to see them laugh and play. I never wanted to enter any competition nor practice hard. Why am I doing all these now? Why did I let myself fall into such a situation that I’d lost myself. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore,” Nodame pours everything out quickly. Rustling her already messy hair, she stands up and walks to the piano in front of her bed. She opened the cover and stare at the white and black keys. “Why.. why am I doing these?” she repeated softly to herself.

Grandma had sat there quietly, listening to Nodame. She now shakes her head and said “I always knew your ambition. Eversince you went to the music academy at Tokyo, I’d been worrying that something like this will happened. However, that day when  you brought your boyfriend home and announce that you will be going to Paris to continue your studies, I was so relieved. I thought you had left the past behind you. I was so happy for you. However, I guess I’m wrong. The past had been haunting you and it never cease to haunt you until now.”

Nodame hung her head. Silent except for the neighbor dogs barking furiously at the postman.

“Nodame-chan, I know it had been hard. Since you were beaten by your teacher when you are a kid, you were afraid of learning the piano. However, I thought..” grandma trails off, not knowing what to say. She just stared at Nodame’s back sadly.

“No. I have never forgotten that experience. I choose to go for music academy at Tokyo is just to achieve my ambition of becoming a kindergarten teacher. All throughout the years, I had been afraid of my piano lessons. Until I met Chiaki-senpai. He was stricter than anyone I’ve ever met but..” Nodame looks up, seeming to recall something.

“But I was never afraid of him.”

“It was because of him I practice so hard. I wanted to please him. I wanted to be able to perform a concerto with his orchestra. I wanted him to be proud of me.”

“I wanted to be able to catch up to him. So that he will never leave me, alone.”

Nodame looked down at her long fingers while admitting everything.

“All the while, I’ve been telling myself that all I have to do is just to play well. And everything will turn out well in the end. I’ve been trying to ignore the fear of teachers, the fear of those stares that I got when I played in my own style. I tried to ignore everything.”

Grandma walks up to Nodame and hold her hands. “Nodame-chan..”

“Grandma! I’ve been an idiot. I thought I had forgotten the fear. But I had just been hiding them inside of me. It’s still with me. I can’t play anymore. I can’t.”

************

Chiaki sat down on the sandy beach and stare at the waves. If I had known that by proposing her to be the in-house piano performer of the Kroxlet Orchestra will cause her so much misery, I would never do it. How could I not recognize her troubles? She had been practicing so hard recently that I thought she had finally grasp the seriousness of it. Little do I know it is just her way of breaking down. I should have known. Everytime she’s upset about something, she will practice non-stop. How could I not recognize that? What had I done to Nodame? I had been neglecting her recently since I started to perform alongside with Vierra sensei. I’m the one to blame.

Without realizing, the sun had set. Chiaki decided to take a cab back to Tokyo. He doesn’t want to pressure Nodame anymore. She might be better off staying with her family than with me. I can’t seem to concentrate on anything when I’m absorbed with my music. I’m no good for her.

Walking to the bus-stop, he tried to forget Nodame last words to him at Paris.

“Chiaki-senpai baka! You never understand Nodame. Chiaki-senpai only bothers to understand your music and never try to understand Nodame. Nodame had been trying so hard but senpai never know.”

Chiaki had been strucked by Nodame’s outburst. He had merely walked into his room and seeing Nodame sprawled on the sofa had scowl at her and tell her off for not practicing. Since just a week ago he had found a position in the orchestra for Nodame, he had wanted her to perform her best. He had wanted Nodame to be able to show the others that she is able to perform alongside with him. He knew that her dream is to perform a concerto together and he wanted to realize it for her. But the first step is to train her up so that she can get use to the orchestra.

“Nodame, what are you talking about. I just..” Chiaki never finish his sentence as Nodame had cut him off roughly.

“Yes. Senpai never know what I am talking about. Senpai just know how to boss Nodame around, telling Nodame to do this and do that. I’ve had enough of all these. I’m leaving.”

And Nodame had push Chiaki aside to reach the door, walk through it and closed it loudly. Leaving a dumbstruck Chiaki staring at the spot Nodame had left. When the reality had finally sunk in, Chiaki turn quickly to the door but Nodame was gone.

Not knowing what happened, he had run along the Paris streets and her favourite spots but Nodame could not be found. Desperate for help, he had called their friends, Frank, Kuroki and Tanya for help. However, Nodame seems to be determine not to be found. None of them seems to be able to locate her.

Tanya however said, “Chiaki, you never know what Nodame had been going through these few weeks. She had her exams recently and her tutor told her off for not playing according to the notes. Her tutor also scolded her for being lazy and not practicing enough. When you found her a position at your orchestra, she was overjoyed. She started to practice very hard and since then, I’ve never stop hearing her piano. I got worried and tried to persuade her to take a rest and eat. She ignored me though.”

Only then did Chiaki understand why Nodame was so upset. She did not progress well with her studies. He knows that Professor Auclair had taken short holiday and was replaced by Professor Krouch. It seems as this new teacher was much stricter and can’t adapt to Nodame’s style. She had been practicing and I told her off for nothing.

Frank told Chiaki the same thing as well during his absence. “Chiaki, you had been so busy with your orchestra. Nodame tried to study very hard by herself. But I guess she missed you too much. You did not called her or look for her. She told me that day she haven’t seen you for almost two months. Are you really that busy?”

I guess I did neglected Nodame. I thought she would be fine with her friends. She needed to be independent. She can’t depend on me too much. I guess I had gone a little too far. Where are you Nodame?

Finally, after two days, Chiaki decided that Nodame was not in Paris. If her friends can’t find her, she must have left Paris. He quickly bought a ticket and flew back to Japan, forgetting his fright out of his worries for Nodame. He had taken a cab straight to Nodame’s hometown and there’s where he had found Nodame crying in her room. Only then did he realize that Nodame had been under so much stress.

She’s right. I’ve never really bothered to understand her deeply. I had always taken her for granted. I thought she will always follow me. How could I forget that she hates serious piano lessons? She only did them for my sake. And I had push her aside for my music. I had been an idiot. It’s so selfish of me. How I wish I had realized it earlier.

Reaching the bus-stop, he sat down and waited. All the time thinking about Nodame. Feeling frustrated, he hit his head a few times and cover his face. I miss Nodame. How I wish she’s here now. I would have hold her tight and not let her go. It’s not about her music. It’s about her. Let it be if she does not want to play anymore. As long as she’s with me. I need her.

“Chiaki-senpai?”

Chiaki stops hitting his head and look up suddenly. He thought he heard Nodame’s voice. The street was dark as there’s no street lighting at the small village. He stands up and look around. “Nodame?!”

Opposite the road, there’s a dark shadow. A very familiar shadow. Chiaki heart skips a beat. “Nodame, is that you?”

He rushed across the road and grabs the dark figure. It is Nodame. She’s staring at Chiaki in disbelief. “Senpai, why….”

Chiaki bends his head and kiss Nodame, right on her lips, silencing her. She’s here. She’s here. And I’m not going to let go of her. Never!”

Nodame, haven’t recover from her surprise at Chiaki being at her hometown got another shock when he kissed her.

He released her after half a minute, staring into her eyes. “Nodame.”

“Senpai, I’m..” Chiaki cuts her off. “Nodame, listen. I’m really sorry. I have been an idiot. You are right. I have never tried to understand you deeply. But Nodame, you can’t just leave me alone like this. You are the one who started everything and now you left me hanging. You can’t be this cruel to me Nodame!”

Chiaki stressed the last sentence loudly, grabbing her arms tightly as if he’s afraid Nodame will escape. Again.

“Senpai. What are you doing here? Why are you here? You should be at Paris. You have a concert tomorrow don’t you?” Nodame said, remembering his schedule. She still can’t believe Chiaki is standing in front of her. She also can’t believe he had kissed her.

“It’s all because of you Nodame. You shouted at me and rush home. What do you expect me to do? It’s your entire fault. You messed up my life,” Chiaki said exasperated.

“Gyabo! Nodame’s fault?! Senpai, if it is so difficult for you, stop bothering about me. I never told you to come after me,” Nodame said. “Chiaki-senpai came looking for me. He does love me then,” Nodame added softly to herself, grinning a little.

Although she said it softly, Chiaki caught every word. He let go of Nodame and  step back. “Enough of this nonsense. Nodame, when are you going back to Paris?”

“Gyabo! Senpai turned back into a monster. When did I say I’m going back?”

Chiaki stared at Nodame in disbelief. “You are not going back? Are you serious about it?”

“Nodame is very serious about everything. It’s only that senpai never did realized it,” Nodame retorted, looking straight at his eyes.

Chiaki realized that she’s right. He never did understand her. And why did he speak so strictly to her just now when just a minute ago he was depressing over Nodame’s absence. I’m really an idiot.

“Nodame.. I.. it’s just that..” Chiaki couldn’t bring himself to speak his mind. He’s not use to it. He thought Nodame should understand him without needing to hear it. He’s wrong though. Nodame needs to hear it, from his own mouth.

He takes a deep breath, and start again, palms all sweaty. “Nodame! Listen. I will just said it once. And that’s it. I will never repeat it.”

Nodame just stare at the perspiring man in front of him. Waiting. Is he going to say it?

“Nodame! I.. I.. Actually I.. um..” Oh god! Just say it and be done with it. Chiaki looks at Nodame’s eyes and saw her waiting eagerly. She knew what I want to say. She knew how hard it is and yet she wanted me to say it. Damn it.

“Just… come back to Paris with me,” Chiaki finally manage to strut out a sentence. Which to Nodame, is not enough.

“Why?”   

“Huh?!”

“Why must I always follow what you have decided for me? Why can’t Nodame make her own decision and..”

“Enough! If that’s what you want, it’s fine with me. Go ahead with your own plan. I would have thought of all people, you would know how much it means to have you by my side. It’s not whether you play the piano or not, it’s always you who’s besides me all the time. I love listening to your piano. It brings pleasure to see you playing so gracefully. But that’s not the main reason I wanted you back at Paris. And you know it. However, if that’s how you want it, that’s fine. Totally fine” Chiaki had enough of it. He is making a fool of himself in front of Nodame and still she wants to argue with him.

He knows he will regret what he said in a moment. But currently, he is just too upset to care. He looks at Nodame who is staring at him, mouth opened widely. He sighed and turn his back to her. “Bye.”

“Senpai..”

Chiaki stops walking.

 “Senpai.. You finally said it. Do I really meant that much to you? It’s not just my piano that attracted you? Will you want me by your side if I do not have my piano?”

Without turning back, he answers he softly.

“Nodame, I admit it was your piano that attracted me in the first place. It was your piano that brings us together. You do realized that don’t you? But it was not because of the piano that I want you by my side.”

Turning back to look at Nodame, who was still staring at him, Chiaki continue. “I wanted you to study so hard because I thought that is what you want to achieve. I thought your dream is to perform a concerto with me. I never stop to think that I have pushed you too far, causing you misery. Maybe it will be better for you if you stay as you were before you met me. You will be so much happier.”

No one says anything after Chiaki confession. They just stare at each other, trying to read each other mind. Both failing terribly. Suddenly, “Mukya! Senpai!”

Nodame flung herself at Chiaki and hug him tight, startling him. “Nodame!”

“Senpai! Do you know that I worked so hard because all I wanted to achieve is just to keep up with you? I don’t want you to go far away from my life. If music is all your life is about, I’m ready to work very hard to be on par with you. It’s not senpai fault at all. I just can’t take the pressure anymore. Senpai is moving so fast while Nodame is still a student. Nodame can’t keep up anymore. Senpai is going to leave Nodame behind.”

It suddenly dawn on Chiaki that Nodame is afraid of losing him. So why does she want to left me alone at Paris and come back to Japan all of a sudden?! He gets a little irritated.

“Nodame, I’m sorry. I had been so tied up with my music recently that I have ignored you. You have been having so much trouble and I did not stop to help. I did not move away from you. Even though I’m going further up on my music career doesn’t mean I’m getting further away from you. You are always beside me. Isn’t that enough?”

Nodame release her grip on Chiaki and look up at his face. “Is that good enough? Senpai wouldn’t leave me alone?”

Chiaki closed his eyes and frown. “Idiot! You are the one who left me behind at Paris.”

“Mukya!”

“So, are you coming back with me?” Chiaki looks at Nodame. “You can choose to do what you want. I’m not going to force you to do things that upset you.”

“Senpai, I want to play a concerto with your orchestra. Will you continue to guide me?” Nodame suddenly makes up her mind. Music has been with her all her life. She had some bad experience during her childhood and this had been a barrier for her music journey. However, “Senpai.. I need you to help me to pass the barrier.” Nodame looks straight into Chiaki eyes.

“Nodame, are you sure you want to continue? If you want to stop, it’s alright. I doesn’t want to see you crying like today anymore. I know it hurts a lot.”

Nodame frown and pout. “Chiaki-senpai! How did you know I cried today?”

Chiaki turn his head and without looking at her said, “well.. your house was empty today when I arrived. So..”

“Senpai!” 

“Anyway, that’s not the main point” Chiaki said trying to change the topic and hitting her on her head.

“Gyabo! Nodame wants to play a concerto with senpai’s orchestra. Nodame wants to continue to study music. Senpai will help Nodame right?”

Chiaki looks at her and smile. “Yes.”

“Mukya!!!” She jumps and hug Chiaki again, this time Chiaki was caught off balance and both fell to the ground. “Senpai.. thank you”

No.. I’m the one who should thank you. Thank you Nodame, for being by my side.

“Oh, by the way, where did you get the idea that you will be left behind while I continue to move forward? That’s such a nonsense,” Chiaki said, standing up and brushing his pants off the dust.

“Milch.”

“Huh?! Stressman? He said that to you? When?” Chiaki stops brushing his pants and looks at her.

“Uh.. During the school festival when you performed Rachmaninoff with him that day. He said to me that with my standard, I wouldn’t be able to be by your side for long,” Nodame recalled back.

That old man. Chiaki frowned as he suddenly knows who started all these. However, he might have known that Nodame had the hidden talent inside. She just needs encouragement and motivation to get started. He seems to improve Nodame a lot. I guess I need to be more alert of Nodame from now on. She can be so unpredictable.  

Chiaki looks at Nodame who is happily patting a stray dog nearby. I’m glad she’s happy again. I will not let her cry again. I will never let her out of my sight.

He walked to Nodame and pulls her up. Holding her close to him, hugging her tightly he whisper,  

“Nodame, don’t ever leave me alone.”

Nodame smile contently.

“Yes, senpai.” 

 Author Note: So, this is my 1^st story of Nodame. I thought I will try with a one shot first. How do you like it? I did have fun writing this short story. I can almost imagine myself standing there, looking at both of them. Lol.. Hope you enjoy it as well.